something new, something old and everything in between

As I walked home today, with each step, I pondered many things - things that have occupied my mind for the past few years. Thoughts experts define as over-riding thoughts - that drives a person to do something or to be be something. Thoughts that occupies the most part of your time. Then I made a conscious decision to list these thoughts down, as I realized that the thoughts I was having had been there for a long time. These thoughts have been my obstacles and failures in life, in which I have not been able to overcome. That is the reason why they still exist and in laymen terms, bug me to death and I wouldn't be surprised, to madness.

I read a book by Joyce Meyer, titled 'Battlefield of the mind', and she strongly suggests that the words we say, the feelings we feel, the actions and the behaviors we do/behave and thus the life we lead starts from the way we think. The way we think depends on what we allow us to think. It is up to us, the owner of the mind, to open or close or block certain things to occupy it. Imagine if the mind is a house and you as the owner of the house, has the key and control over the access to the house. You have the responsibility to make sure that the house is secure, free or at least risks of forced entry that potentially can cause damage, are minimized.

So, I want to take inventory of my thoughts. First, are really, revolves around my personality and how I am being perceived by people (mostly friends, colleagues; not so much loved ones interestingly enough). I always think that I am not interesting to a lot of people, or at least I am not interesting to be with the kind of people I want to be - beautiful, famous people. I know I sound really vain am I? I wonder where it all stem from? Is it because I have a belief that if I am fun, interesting and looved by everyone (esp. those who are famous, interesting, loved by everyone), only them I can be happy? Do I think what I have isn't good enough? God, I feel so guilty for saying that, but I am glad that I said it out, at least I know how silly this thought is.

I am happy, generally. Without comparing to anyone, I am at a stage in life, where I can say I am content. I have a family, friends, a job, health (though I am feeling a bit unhealthy lately), a partner, a place to stay, time to do the things I enjoy (like tennis, gym, read a book, etc). Why do I feel so unhappy when I start to compare? What is it about comparing that makes one unhappy (that is if u are the less favorable one in that comparison)? Who says/determines that Person A because he/she is richer/more famous/more beautiful/taller is better than Person B, just of the those reasons alone? Whooo? Whyyyy? Something to ponder :-)

Another thing that stuck in mind is, always making an appearance/re-appearance, is how to make money and be rich!??!?!?!?!?! This is so obviously related to the first point. Hahaha... I always say it is in the works! Yeah!