something new, something old and everything in between

As I walked home today, with each step, I pondered many things - things that have occupied my mind for the past few years. Thoughts experts define as over-riding thoughts - that drives a person to do something or to be be something. Thoughts that occupies the most part of your time. Then I made a conscious decision to list these thoughts down, as I realized that the thoughts I was having had been there for a long time. These thoughts have been my obstacles and failures in life, in which I have not been able to overcome. That is the reason why they still exist and in laymen terms, bug me to death and I wouldn't be surprised, to madness.

I read a book by Joyce Meyer, titled 'Battlefield of the mind', and she strongly suggests that the words we say, the feelings we feel, the actions and the behaviors we do/behave and thus the life we lead starts from the way we think. The way we think depends on what we allow us to think. It is up to us, the owner of the mind, to open or close or block certain things to occupy it. Imagine if the mind is a house and you as the owner of the house, has the key and control over the access to the house. You have the responsibility to make sure that the house is secure, free or at least risks of forced entry that potentially can cause damage, are minimized.

So, I want to take inventory of my thoughts. First, are really, revolves around my personality and how I am being perceived by people (mostly friends, colleagues; not so much loved ones interestingly enough). I always think that I am not interesting to a lot of people, or at least I am not interesting to be with the kind of people I want to be - beautiful, famous people. I know I sound really vain am I? I wonder where it all stem from? Is it because I have a belief that if I am fun, interesting and looved by everyone (esp. those who are famous, interesting, loved by everyone), only them I can be happy? Do I think what I have isn't good enough? God, I feel so guilty for saying that, but I am glad that I said it out, at least I know how silly this thought is.

I am happy, generally. Without comparing to anyone, I am at a stage in life, where I can say I am content. I have a family, friends, a job, health (though I am feeling a bit unhealthy lately), a partner, a place to stay, time to do the things I enjoy (like tennis, gym, read a book, etc). Why do I feel so unhappy when I start to compare? What is it about comparing that makes one unhappy (that is if u are the less favorable one in that comparison)? Who says/determines that Person A because he/she is richer/more famous/more beautiful/taller is better than Person B, just of the those reasons alone? Whooo? Whyyyy? Something to ponder :-)

Another thing that stuck in mind is, always making an appearance/re-appearance, is how to make money and be rich!??!?!?!?!?! This is so obviously related to the first point. Hahaha... I always say it is in the works! Yeah!

Resolutions

just had dinner at Brewerks, Restaurants and Brewery. Rating: 2/5...most prob i didn't have the beer along the bland-tasting, not so massive "Massive Pork Knuckle"...."Asian-style Chicken Wings" were good tho, but how can you go wrong with that?

I'd had the beer and/or wine, but I am doing a health screening, my very first full one. Pap smear, oh no, I mean cancer marker, stool check (yes, it's disgusting), blood test, all of it. Looking forward to see how I go actually - whether my lifestyle thus far has passed the test of health...

Read a few online papers, subscribe to a new one - Business Times Online, and planning to get acquainted with each one every morning, before my day starts. The thing is, however, I can't remember what I have read/learn today, but a few things. I suppose what Timothy Ferris wrote in his book, "4-hours work week" is somewhat true - that is u don't have to read everything that is avail. It will not do u any incremental benefit anyways. All I can remember is an article titled "the cost of social enterprise". It's about how inversely proportionate a performance of a social enterprise, e.g. training company that provides training to unemployed people, etc, with the economical situation. The decisions that are usually considered bad decisions to make in a bad economic situation for a non-social enterprise, such as, hiring, are good for a social enterprise,
and vice versa. The challenge is to survive in a good economic situation, and how to adapt to the change in environment, and the proven solutions are, continued active marketing, and creating/modifying product/service offerings to remain relevant. Good article I suppose, but don't really see any relevance or value that can be directly applied in my life. Anyway, as promised to myself, I will continue to read...learn....do.....experience, and live....and won't forget to write all about it...:-)

dumb little man

In my original blog entry for today, I wanted to remind myself of abt the fact of life that you can't keep on doing the same thing everyday and expect a different results. Alas, here's what I found, a website by "dumb little man" about it and then some. http://www.dumblittleman.com/2010/03/10-amazing-lessons-albert-einstein.html I must say I am blessed reading this page - lots of reminders of the things we have heard and known before, but never get to practice. I am determined, this year, is going to be a year of change. A year of breakthroughs and potentials being achieved, if not exceeded. I am excited! 1st up would be to take some external courses to get re-acquintated with what I have learnt before. Landmark Education springs to mind. It is exactly what I am going to do. The course will start in May-11. It is three-days worth of guided dialogues with professionals/subject experts and fellow participants, in discovering both the known and more importantly the unknowns about urself, others and life in general. In essence, the course will help the participant breakthrough barriers so that he/she can go get his/her goals. Again, I am excited! 2nd would be to take courses about the things I do not know or yet to have expertise in, like ToastMaster to short-professional courses to CFA and/or MBA. This will be much more of a long-shot, takes more effort and requires more 2nd thoughts. Is it worthwhile? Is there any other options to take, etc? In any case, this course of action will not have too much detrimental effect, if any. 3rd, continue to read and educate myself with the current affairs and history so that I can appreciate and connect those whom I met in my life. 4th and so on, are all out there. I'll take this time to take a break, and re-organise my thoughts. Just Do It!

Ruswadi Kartolo - who am I?

Ruswadi Kartolo...my name on my birth cert, my name I have come to embrace as my own. Someone influential once said, the most beautiful thing a person hears is his/her own name. I suppose it depends on how that name is being used. A preacher I once heard, also said that in a name, tells that person's character and somewhat future. There is no direct meaning to my name - it's just an Indonesian Name my dad conjured for me to blend in with the locals. My Chinese Name, however, does have a meaning. It means Chinese Homeland. This, to me, carries some significance. It associates me to my home country, my identity. I always believed, or maybe used to believe that I am called to contribute to China - in some kind of higher calling of some sort. Yes! That's it. I am glad I am writing this blog, so in case I forgot, I can always get on to that calling train and re-focus.

That is just a nutshell of who I am. Apart from my name, I suppose, I need to talk about my roots/where I came from. I came from a very simple family. A dad who works hard and sacrifice for his family - kids and wife. A mom who's headstrong, but knows what's best for her kids. 3 sisters, each with her own stories/struggles and victories that makes me wonder in pride, and a brother whom always challenges me in a good way, and is becoming a role model of some sort. Although I am not close to any of them for personal reasons, I always am connected to them. Their sufferings are mine to bear, their victories mine to share. I love each and everyone of them, but I definitely have a looong way to go to reconcile, and be one with them. More on later entries.

Lastly, before I go to bed...(it's 2.30AM on a Sunday night)...I love TENNIS...in fact, I am watching it right now...Djokovic and Nadal....My point being, who I am is what I love to do..my passion..One of which is Tennis..I play tennis, and I take my games seriously, seeking ways to play well and improve, and one area I am keen is to teach and share that expertise...That's all I can share..I promise I will talk more abt it on latter entry..

For now, good night.........

Roller-coaster life

It's been awhile...again...since I write a blog-entry. It's not as if I purposely avoid doing one, but it's one of those things in life, if you don't purposely thinking about it, it escapes your mind and it becomes a distant memory. I am back, purposefully.

I am 29 this year, and I literally feel my life slipping away from me. The things that I thought I can get away with, of which I will share later, now appears to be tougher on me...people are tougher, life's worse....

I need to write to get all the negativism, and some positivism out of my small little mind.

I need to get out! I need to express myself in a much realistic, simpler way....a life-long struggle, which seems to be my ever-growing problem in life, one that will stop me being the person I can be.

See, I am all over the place, even when I am expressing myself....I need help! I need to find me and stay true to me....

Life is not easy....mom always told me that when I was younger, but I never listened. Well, I supposed it's not too late, being under 30, I think I still have a littleeee bit of lee-way in terms of fixing my life....a few things I want to improve....

1. relationships with my parents and siblings....where do I even start with this....
2. relationships with myself.....
3. relationships with others....my partner, friends and colleagues (that incl. my boss)
4. relationships with God (God, please forgive me for putting you on point # 4, but I feel distant from you. I promise to move u up the list...and maybe I shld've done it to make 1-3 work....all that abt prioritising you and the rest will follow.....Amen....
5. everything else that is good....new friendships, new experiences.......

but the whole point is really to love.....love love love.....when there's love there's no pain, no suffering (for nothing), all gain...."I love"..I think is the most loveliest thing a person can say to one another....but then again, do i say that because i crave for love so much?? or do i really mean it...??

a question i always ask myself...do i even love me? or do i hate/dislike myself and need people's contribution to feel loved? Most of the times, I feel that I need to satisfy other people first so that they like me, adore me, and do things that makes them laugh, even at the expense of losing myself and dignity....is this the right thing to do? or shld I at all times, just be myself, and love people from wherever I am at, no faking, no fabricating and no pleasing people for the wrong reasons...will i be happier then? will i have the courage to do that......

all these questions....all these challenges.....don't u wish there's a booklet/manual that can address all of it...a fool-proof, step-by-step guide to resolve all the issues front to back....????

i wish you all readers well...my friends, my families...I love you all...or at least I try to do so....but as i continue to learn about myself, and just love me for who I am, I have faith that I can grow to loving and be a contribution to each and everyone of you........

Good nite.......tomorrow's just another day.......all you can hope for is that u'll make a better of it than the day before so that you can make changes and make a better future for you and your loved ones...........